If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
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Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.