@LoveNLunchmeat: If you're a cannibal, it's technically hunting, not murder.
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@fatherofcomedy: I don't like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
@MidlifeDish: "This is the last time I'm going to tell you!" *Biggest lie parents tell kids "And I mean it." *Biggest lie parents tell themselves
@BriarSlyMalice: I told my kids I'd rather they "pull the plug" than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines. So they hid my phone charger.
@truegritrumble: My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.