If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
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the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
You are what you delete.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.