@DarzieDAMN: If you're a girl on twitter and you have no pictures of yourself, I'm automatically assuming you're a cat that learned to use a computer.
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@jackiembouvier: [First date] Me: So, I've been married for 12 years - Him: You're married?? Me: Is that a problem?
@jenlaw_11: "You are what you eat" I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog's ashes into my cat's food bowl
@EndhooS: Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
@NotthatAdamWest: Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.