Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
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Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Just a bush.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?