time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
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Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion