If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
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Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.