if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
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Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.