if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
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Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I like crazy people until they notice me
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.