If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
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Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Did I do this right
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.