@Wuttercuerk: If you're a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven't been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney...then why the hell are you Mormon?
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@dafloydsta: [girlfriend sleeping over for the first time] HER: This is nice. ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
@zachreinert03: Just saw a woman getting 'running lessons' with rubber bands & a head gear. Pffft, I could've taught her for free and with only a chainsaw
@WritePlay: I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn't violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.