If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
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M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Check your privilege
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.