@pharmasean: If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a 'bloodshed,' well I've just about given up on you
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@truegritrumble: ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME! UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right? ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
@WilliamAder: There should be a "Life of Pi" TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
@AnitaHelmet: Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I'm guessing it's because the other fifty percent can't afford lawyers.
@daemonic3: [drinks milk from carton] WHY AREN'T YOU USING A GLASS?!? "I went to the eye doctor" What does that mean? "He said I don't need glasses"