@pharmasean: If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a 'bloodshed,' well I've just about given up on you
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@Home_Halfway: People who argue Hillary is crooked; boy have I got news for you on the rest of the government
@bea_ker: "Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?" Yes Tony, we saw it. You're 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.
@XplodingUnicorn: [texting] Wife: Clean out your bowels. Me: OK. Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
@SortaBad: [Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics 'You Are Beautiful' at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]