If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
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Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.