I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
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Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse