Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
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“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Google reviews are always so mixed..
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
time for some seasonal decor
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I believe the plural is “milves.”
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Message from the dog groomers
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.