@DaHess1: If you're a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, they legally don't have to sell you anything.
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@trojansauce: [fleeing the bank we just robbed] accomplice: play it cool this time, okay? me: GOD I HATE CRIME YOU GUYS police officer: alright he's clear
@WildeThingy: Boss "I'm looking for a volunteer." Me *chops off own legs "I can't!" Co-worker "I'm busy, sorry." Me "damn, that's a better excuse."
@ImaFlyontheWall: pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..
@HomeProbably: I have caller ID for the front door. If you don't call me first, I am NOT answering the door.