#NoRestForTheWicked
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4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Customer is always right
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.