@DaHess1: If you're a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, they legally don't have to sell you anything.
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@UncleDuke1969: Shot pool with my 15yo son. Taught him a valuable lesson. You can restart a video game 1000 times. You can only lose your allowance once.
@MariyaAlexander: If diamonds are a girl's best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
@david8hughes: [steps off treadmill] "Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I'm fitn--" "Shall I call an ambulance?" "Please."
@SortaBad: Last night I found out you can make a lot of people REALLY angry if you dress in a Star Trek costume and also carry a light saber