Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
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Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
What about second breakfast?
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Perfect.
twitter users today:
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.