Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
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I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine