I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
You Might Also Like
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.