If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
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wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.