If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
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[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
this is the best day of my life
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Story of my life…..
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane