If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
You Might Also Like
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Good dog. ❤️
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.