If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
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Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband