@badbanana: If you're about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
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@PaulyPeligroso: Guys, if a girl just wants to "be friends," then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a "friend" would.
@timdonakowski: I should've been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.
@johnfreiler: if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
@hammbone84: If you guys don't start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don't make me ruin this for everyone.