If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
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me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
concern
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
A woman drives into a bar.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same