If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
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Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Yup
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡