If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO