If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
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JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Doormats are a gateway rug.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.