If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
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I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
If only.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.