Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
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It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.