@KenJennings: If you're American & I ever hear you use the word "whilst," this I swear: you will not live to see the 3rd season of Sherlock.
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@DaddyJew: [on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll] Are you sure you're ok?
@osoplain: I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
@Robert_Beau: Bartender: What will you have? Me: Whiskey BT: Straight? Me: Except for that one time in college. BT: Me: BT: Me: How 'bout them Red Sox?
@causticbob: I said to my wife, 'Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.'' 'Bob, that's a cat.'