*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
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Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles