My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
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Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.