You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
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Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time