@iGreenMonk: My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell

@JesKeepSwimming: THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE? Oh, that's not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

@girlontapas: Am I capable of premeditated murder? Your honor, I've been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

@mellimelle: Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can't say no because they're my husband & children.

@ArfMeasures: [Tim Burton tries baseball] COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now T: Yes C: Ok. Pitch T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De- C: I'm gonna kill him