@dave_cactus: [me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE'VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
@SteveSuckington: [100 year old man on job interview]
"Do you have any references?"
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
@LouisPeitzman: This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
@DistractedMomma: Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can't leave messages now. That's the kind of genius I am.
@ItsAndyRyan: "Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?"
"Y"
"So I can make a stupid joke"
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