@JimmerThatisAll: If you're angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it's not me please add "Not you Jim." at the end. Thank you.
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@dave_cactus: [me on a ledge] COP: (through megaphone) WE'VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP! *Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
@SteveSuckington: [100 year old man on job interview] "Do you have any references?" Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
@LouisPeitzman: This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
@DistractedMomma: Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can't leave messages now. That's the kind of genius I am.