Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
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You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.