Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
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I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
dictator is short for richard potato
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”