If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
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*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
so, is there a mister shapen head
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
This is me 🤣🤣
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.