@bellicosejason: If you're behind someone at an ATM, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
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@iwearaonesie: wife: What's wrong? me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn't give me any brown crayons] Nothing
@DrDogMD: DR DOG: have you been taking your diabetes meds daily? PATIENT: no DR DOG: *hits him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper* Bad patient!
@envydatropic: Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now