The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
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My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
starting a garage orchestra
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school