[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
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Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Friends that check up on you >
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps