If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
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The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
accurate
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.