[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
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CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
mumsnet is amazing
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.