Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
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CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Still cracks me up
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”