If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
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You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
men are simple creatures
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
accurate
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Okay
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
based al yankovic
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.