If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
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Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
They’re not wrong
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back