If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
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I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I’m having an out of money experience.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.