@thatUPSdude: If you're buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it's probably because he bought is his condoms there too.
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@matt___nelson: DOG 911: what's your emergency? DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller DOG 911: *covers phone* WE'VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
@sass_n_ass: No thanks, Winter Olympics. If I wanted to see a bunch of white people playing in the snow, I'd hop on over to Facebook.
@TheGabbieShow: that horrifying moment when a kid asks u to help find his mom bc he was always told if he was lost to ask a grownup & u realize ur a grownup
@jlock17: I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I'm down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.