Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
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2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.