@thatUPSdude: If you're buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it's probably because he bought is his condoms there too.
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@Reverend_Scott: [hospital] "Did my dad make it, doctor?" Billy, your dad's in a better place now. [crying] "HE'S DEAD?" Haha no, he went to Disney World.
@SinCityChiGirl: If Ben Affleck played Daredevil and Batman does that mean that he's blind as a bat? #WellThatsAGoodQuestion
@eXentRic_: Holy Communion: PRIEST:"This is the body of Christ. Take it " ME:"Uum,can I instagram it first?" *We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
@kyle_thatisall: Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"