Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
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Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.