@TheAlexP: If you're charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
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@Mama_in_heels: My mom asked where the remote was and my son told her it was up her ass. She high-fived him and then turned around and slapped me.
@ArfMeasures: [zoo] ME: Haha...this one's face! WIFE: Tha- M [bangs on glass] W: Stop it M [pulls funny face] W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
@iwearaonesie: My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic