If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
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[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
pelicons
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second