@MinedOvaMatter: If you're creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
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@Paxochka: People who say "life doesn't come with a set of instructions" obviously haven't heard of the Kama Sutra.
@krustythe_klown: Whats the point of calling it "secret Santa"? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
@PaperWash: [Signing waiver for the show Cops] No no, you don't have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
@thenatewolf: *holding my crying child* Me: I know, earthquakes are scary. So maybe next time you'll be good and I won't have to make that happen again.