Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
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Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I cannot call her anything else now
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Oh yeah that’s it
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I have so many questions.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.